Waiting for that “ah ha” moment.

For some reason I find myself waiting for that “ah ha” moment. When it will just click and my mind will be set straight and I will stop over eating and be able to control the way I think about food. My thought process is somewhat screwy as I will call it. I have good intentions and then I talk myself out of my good intentions with some “good” excuse that really isn’t good at all, it’s just an excuse.  I will not give up this battle though. I refuse. I feel like as long as I’m working towards it and trying that’s a good thing.

One good thing I have changed is I stopped drinking soda. Which by the way was not an easy feat. I still drink coffee which I’ll be working on that sooner or later, but I will not cut it out all together. I need something!!  haha 

Why is the struggle so hard?

I did so great my first week OP again, but not a pound came off. I know I shouldn’t worry about the number so much, but when your as heavy as I am it’s all you think about.  I know allot of people think that fat people are just lazy and if they would just stop eating they would be fine.  I’m here to say it is seriously not that easy.  I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like I’m losing control and there’s no one there to stop me.  There is not a day that goes by probably not an hour that goes by that my weight does not cross my mind.  So why then can I not control my habits.  Why then can I not control eating when I get home from work at 1 in the morning, going back for that second plate at dinner, etc.. This is definitely a life long battle that I’m so afraid I’m not going to win.  My body is hurting all the time. My back has spasms all the time to the point where it almost goes out on me and still I sit here wondering why I can’t get it together. I wish I had someone to do this with. Someone to help me and talk to and confide in that understands. My husband tries so hard, but he’s probably only 145 pounds soaking wet and he just doesn’t understand what I feel like.  The constant disappointment in myself. 

I will continue to try and try again. I’m just afraid that one of these days it’s going to be too late and I’m going to die from being this obese. I’m going to have a heart attack, I’m going to brake a bone that’s not going to heal well. Anything could happen when your my size and it scares me to death. I want so bad to be healthy for my son and show him the world. How can I show him the world when I’m this big.  Something has to change. Something!

Yesterday at work I had a customer say some mean things to me about my weight.  It hurts so bad when people feel like they have to comment on my size.  I know I’m fat. Do they think I need to be reminded.  Trust me I know. I remember every time I have to bend over and my back practically gives out. I remember when I’m looking for ways to make my stomach look a little bit smaller. Or when I’m doing my hair and makeup and wondering if it will look good enough for people to notice that and not my fat.  It’s not the first time a customer has been mean to me and it’s definitely not going to be the last.  It just stings is all. I’m so glad no one else heard it though. At work I don’t show my weakness. I’m the funny strong manager that can handle anything.  Ha, if they only knew how many times I had to deal with asshole kids, or worse adults making snide remarks about my weight. 

Something’s got to change!  I can’t live like this for much longer!

My new creating space all to myself!

My husband decided he was going to give me his comic book room. I couldn’t of been more happy. We live in a small 1000 square foot house and even though it’s only the 3 of us we are crowded at time. My husband has always had the 3rd bedroom for his stuff because he has so much of it. I love to scrapbook and make things, but never really had a good spot. I did make a space for me in my closet (not a walk in) and it just wasn’t doing the trick. So I’m excited to say I’ve painted, put up a desk and am loving my new room. There’s still a few things I want to do with is, but it will take some time. My birthday recently passed so everyone seemed to get me stuff for the room. Yay!! I feel so much better to have my own space that I can lock and my son cannot go in and grab stuff whenever he feels like it. That kid is so funny. I find my stuff all the time in his room. He especially loves washi-tape. So hilarious..

So here’s my room. So excited! 🙂

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A Little Slip Already? Blah!!

Yep I already had a slip. I’m not going to let it derail me like I would normally do. I’m just gonna move on and past it. It’s silly that I let me busy life get in the way. Or maybe it’s laziness too. Who knows, but I’m still here admitting to my defeat and standing up for myself and keep on keeping on. I have come to realization that I have to eat some kind of breakfast. I felt so hungry by the time dinner rolled around yesterday because I didn’t eat breakfast and only had yogurt for lunch. I ended up eating way too much for dinner then 2 cookies afterwards.

New day, new start. I started a meet-up group for scrapbooking, paper crafting, and general girl time. I’m really excited about it. I already have 22 members and lots of stuff going on. It’s forcing me to come up with new projects and stuff to do which is exactly what I wanted this group to do for me. To keep my mind going and fresh on ideas. I love to scrapbook and I belonged to another group, but had a bad falling out with my best friend. I still think of her daily and wish things could be worked out, but they cannot so I’m trying to keep myself busy.

Well, off to take my Dad to the laundry mat. I’ll be posting some pics of my new Make n Take project for Tuesday.

Day 4 OP

I’m excited to report that I am officially on day 4 of my healthy new me restart. Yes it has taken a bazillion times, but I guess as long as it’s on my mind and I’m trying to work towards my goal then that’s all that counts.  I could kick myself if the butt for letting 8 or so months go by and gaining my weight back. I don’t know why I do that. I honestly just got tired of it and wanted to eat. haha That’s no excuse I know, but dammit that’s how I felt.

Last night I helped a friend paint his new room in his new rental house. We were up till midnight doing it and I wanted to come home and eat so bad since everyone in my house was asleep and I was going to watch t.v. It was so hard because that’s what I do when I’m alone. I want to eat and watch t.v. End of story. I only ate a little bit of cottage cheese and that’s it watched my show and went to bed. So excited I was able to do that.

More work to be done on my scrapbook room today. My husband gave up his office/comic book room for me. I think he saw that I was in need of my own space where I could be creative and just leave my stuff out. He has always had the extra room in our house so I’m thankful that he has given it to me. I’m loving it too. I painted it and put my things on the wall and it just looks so good.. Yay!  Pics to come!

Try Try Again..

Well, I’ve been meaning to start writing again but you know what happens. LIFE is what happens. I started thinking I’m not sure why I can’t just write about everything. It doesn’t have to be about me losing weight. I think I’m going to start incorporating my LIFE into this blog. Believe it or now my life does not just consist of dieting or trying to get healthy. If it did I think I would be skinny already. And well, let me check.. Yep I’m still a big girl so I must be doing other things. HA!  So don’t be surprised if you see some other stuff going on here. I think it’s healthy too because when I come on here I see my motivational page, I see my goals, my weigh ins, and it reminds me oh yeah last year you lost almost 50 pounds and you rocked doing it. Then LIFE happened and you decided to quit and gain it back. Well I want to say I’m done with that crap and ready to get back to business, but I’m scared!  I feel like I’m ready to take the bull by the horns. I feel ready and that this could be the time. Am I going to jinx it by saying it? Who knows. Only time will tell. So here goes:  I’m ready to get this damn weight off for good!!  There nothing happened so let’s hope for the best. I’m just not going to make it an all or nothing thing anymore because it hasn’t worked for me that way yet.

Been a long while..

well, I’m so sorry guys. It’s been awhile. I kinda fell off the wagon. I don’t know what happened. I went on my Scrap retreat and just fell off. blah.. YES I have gained a little bit, but not too much. I will do my official weigh in the Sunday and give all the updates. This battle is so hard for me to fight. It’s so frustrating that it can get so hard to keep up the motivation and just keep going period. I feel like this is definitely a life long battle that I will always be struggling with. So people I will start posting more. I promise!